im sorry

you were the first one to
notice
me
and all that was wrong.
i saw in you
what you saw in me
a familiar pain
a world of confusion
you held my hand while i cried
and i loved your sad eyes
and your crazy smile.
you read me a secret letter
and my heart broke
as you cried
i could see how torn you were
life was threatening to
knock you down
and i tried to hold you up
and failed.
everyone around me pulled me away
why did i let them?
i thought we would be better off
with our own demons to fight
i didn't want to drag you down
because you
always
came to my rescue.
every
time.
i thought you needed time
for you
but would we have been stronger
together?
i guess i'll never know
i left you high and dry
never to look back again.
except i do.
always.
i remember the time you
held my wrists
to stop me, yet again.
where would i be without you?
where would i be with you?
i wonder as i watch you
from afar
my old scars
holding me back
i'm sorry i don't have the courage
to tell you what you mean to me
i hope one day i will

"well i know when i am wrong but i sure as hell aint wrong this time"

we sit in the swirling smoke
inhale.
bonding over this
shared poison.


 ...


i am the dusk before the dawn
those few fading hours
where the line between night and day
is blurred.
i am the twilight, dark and alone
will i, too, fade away with the morning sun?


...


to ju

you, my friend
you understand
you feel as i do
but different.
you pull me up
and keep me grounded
your passion is contagious, your energy
oh how i admire it
you have the ability to see clearly
when i am cloudy at best
i wish to tell you such things
but i am so small
i press you in a hug and hope you feel
my respect, my love.
what would i do without you
my dearest friend?
i would lack a certain spring in my step


...


to mal

i love your mind
with it's dark corners and odd
angles
long passageways
i wish my fingers moved as yours
when you give life to emotions
and ideas.
i am so plain.
you sit with me, alone in the dark
you bring light to my days.
the contradiction that is life
yes, you understand.
you are above them
don't worry
you cannot be overlooked
you matter
and
you feel.
i am proud to call you friend

thinking of old friends today

i stand on the bridge
the railing at my back
phone in hand
ringing, ringing
you answer
i exhale
i can hear your smile
quickly turn to worry.
faith
your words draw me back to existance
pray
your answer leaves so many questions
but my feet turn me around
knees shaking
i am given a second chance

AP i will never be able to tell you this but you were truly there for me when i didn't think i had anyone left. thank you. you cross my mind every once in a while and i wonder how you're doing and i miss you but i never pick up the phone. maybe the past is best left in the past? i am sure you of all people would understand.


your voice sounds dead,
decision made.
i almost think "there's no hope"
but i won't let myself
give in
give up
on you.
i answered your call
please
please hold on to this lifeline,
this second chance you have yet to decide to give yourself
i want to grab on to you
to hold you tight and never let go.
i press the phone to my ear
scared to miss one whispered shaking word.
your voice breaks
the tears come
yours and mine.
the hardest thing i ever did
was trust you
and hang up the phone.


AD this one is obviously for you. you scared me that day. your broken voice and also the faith you put in me. what scares me the most is that i almost didn't answer the phone. i can't think of what would have happened if i hadn't. i miss you. sometimes looking back i laugh at us, two misunderstood confused angry and scared kids who thought they were so tough, so world-wise. i'm glad you found your place like i've found mine. i hope i never get a phone call like that again, but at the same time i am so glad i got that call. i am so so glad

sil

here's to you, sil, you got me thinking.


Should I ask you what's wrong?
You smile and talk for hours
saying nothing at all.
Your eyes they lie to me
your back I know is strong
but there's no shame in leaning,
leaning for a bit on me.
I've been there before
I can help see you through
Should I ask you what's wrong,
or just smile and lie too?

bleh

im screaming inside
my teeth clenched
and arms locked across my chest
my lungs burn
with the effort to hold it all in
to never let you know
how much you hurt me.
i look in the mirror,
my face is a careful blank mask
and i dont recognize me
those awful dull eyes stare back
accusing.
the walls tumble down and
tears fall
at last.

It bothers me that I hate everything I write lately. Nothing is coming out right! So here is a recent poem (as in I wrote it 2 minutes ago) that's not as horrible as the others have been. sigh. This is depressing.

here we go again :)

Thanks to a certain someone who read this blog and mentioned it to me I am back on track! Hopefully after this big long break I can start writing new stuff and adding old stuff again... here goes...

you
and your shared secrets
your words flow by me,
around me,
but i don't understand.
you know
and you laugh
send looks and veiled truths
i sigh and look away

---

the stars shine down
out of the blackness that is night.
overwhelmed,
i lean back
drink it in until, lost,
i float above to join them
i reach out to touch
just to touch
to know
the
truth.
they flow like water around me
not really stars at all
but tiny pinpoints of hope
that are forever
just
out of my
grasp

i seriously need a new notebook to write stuff in

My life right now has mostly been a waiting game and a waiting state of mind is not a good one to write from. Trust me. I have like a dozen unfinished poems sitting around my house. That reminds me, I definitely need a new cute little notebook to write my stuff in. Otherwise I just write on random scraps of paper or in the twenty million random notebooks I have lying around. So this is my shot at writing straight onto the computer without doing the whole pen-and-paper method first.

...


...


...


okay scratch that I'm going to find a freakin pen and write til my hand falls off and then eventually put it on here.